Tuesday, May 6, 2014

So what am I feeling?

Bitterness, hopelessness, anger, agitation, nervousness, sometimes panic but after so many years away from what I thought might be their causes, the feelings are still here. They do not fade because they apparently are part of who I am, not part of some external event or person.

These feelings act as grappling hooks between my consciousness and events in my murky, ancient past that serve as reminders of the way I feel now, but this idea is an illusion. It's not true at all.

I was taught that feelings were caused by memories of events past, that the driving force of who we are was conditioned into us by our environmental experiences. The more complex side of this equation is the supply of brain chemistry with which we are born, responsible for making us chose which external causes are responsible for the way we feel.

Unfortunately for me, my chemistry is out of balance, and as a result I ascribed terrible wickedness and imposed unwarranted retributions on people who never deserved it. I overreacted on many occasions. I also said stupid things in general conversations with people, leading them to eventually avoid me.

So do I beg forgiveness? What does that mean? Forgiveness cannot erase the indelible marks of the past. Forgiveness does not mean that I can change unless my brain chemistry can be altered dramatically to prevent recurring negative behavior. Don't delude yourself into thinking you can change someone unless you can physically alter their brain chemistry.

I was on anti-anxiety medication for a while and it brought me up from the depths of delusion to the surface of perception and it made me realize the negative impact I had on everyone around me. I was overwhelmed by the realization of how I hurt my family and friends growing up. I can't believe I had friends. They were only tied to me by their own innate senses of cohesion. The friends who stuck by me the longest were the ones who only saw me for a few weeks during the summers.

I can try to change; people can try to change, but the expectation is unrealistic that change can be artificially maintained, and the emotional penalty of regression from change is made more harmful by unrealistic expectations. So I should accept being alone so I hurt no others.
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